I fell in love with gambling.

I know that might sound crazy to some people, but every addict out there is nodding their heads, like..… Damn, that’s real.

You really feel in love with it.

I was 20. I was at LSU. Full ride. Whole future ahead of me. And I didn’t care at all.

Some people hit the slots, the tables, the apps, spend what they can spend, and go home — or put the phone down. Not me.

I’d wake up early in the morning, and the first thing I’d do was bet. I’d stay up late and bet. All day. All night. I had insomnia, so if I woke up in the middle of the night, phone next to the bed, I’d bet. Any little money I had, it was going straight to FanDuel.

I knew I was addicted. When you lose, and you’re an addict, there’s this voice in the back of your mind like, No, no, no…… I gotta get my money back. I GOTTA get it back.

But even when you win, it’s never enough — you aren’t satisfied just winning $1,000. Don’t get me wrong, a bag is nice. But nobody gambles for that kind of money. Gambling is about the dream. Everybody’s dream is to go to the casino and hit for $100K … $300K … $500K. And a lot of gamblers think that if they quit, it would end up being right before their biggest hit, before they would have tripled up on some parlay. 10x, 20x. Why not? That could be me. That’s the mindset that always kept me hanging on. What if I do quit, but one day, I would’ve hit this, and we’da been on a boat somewhere, living off it?

Gambling is a complicated thing, dawg. Especially with the apps.

You know how the casino don’t got no windows, or clocks? It’s all a mind game. They don’t want you thinking about the outside world. They don’t want you to look out the window, see the sun done gone down, and realize how long you been gambling. Well, the phone is like that, too, in its own way. I’d be in my own world. Laying in bed, in the dark, in pain, with the light glowing on my face. It was a lonely experience. Like you in an empty casino, alone at the blackjack table. Adding more money to the account, and more money, and more money, with the press of a couple buttons. You lose touch with reality. It gets to a point where it feels like the money ain’t even real. But it is real, because in the real world, I was living paycheck to paycheck. Waiting on NIL checks to clear.

It’s sad when I think about how, as a kid, my ability to dream was an asset. That’s what got me to LSU, and later, all the way to the NFL. But as a gambling addict, my dreaming was my biggest liability. It was like my own mind was working against me. Nobody was forcing me, I wasn’t being hustled. I didn’t even have nobody to be mad at but myself. I was digging my own grave. Then one day, I shoveled that last little bit of dirt over my head — I had nothing left. I gambled until I was completely broke. When it was all said and done, I put in around $90,000 of my own money, and lost it all. That’s like taking a duffle bag stuffed with 90 bands and just emptying it over a bridge or something. Throwing it in the wind. Dollars floating away. Gone.

At a certain point, when you hit rock bottom, every gambling addict has this moment when you layin’ in bed just seeing $0.00 on the app. And you know that’s your last. And it’s like…….

How the hell did I get here???

I got hurt. That was the first step. Then came the depression and the addiction. But first, I lost my identity.

Football was my first love. I’ve been playing since I was five. I grew up in a small, small town — New Iberia. Really south Louisiana, closer to the water. And where I’m from, everybody grow up watching them LSU boys play. When they offered me my junior year of high school, it was pretty much a wrap. Bama made a push late, but I didn’t really give any other school a chance. It was always gonna be LSU.

It’s funny, my freshman year, we weren’t doing too good, and I remember one day I walked into Coach Mickey’s office. He was our receivers coach at the time. He’s from New Orleans. I’ll never forget reading this placard he had on his desk. There was a quote on it, from Ja’Marr Chase. It said something like: PLAYING WITH CONFIDENCE COMES FROM THE HEART. I think there was more to it than that, but that’s the part that always stuck with me. And from the season opener on, every Saturday I got the privilege of running through the tunnel beside my teammates.… I would just close my eyes and remind myself: This is my dream. This is my childhood dream.

I went for a hundred against Bama, and that really built up my confidence. They considered that a freshman breakout, too, going against a top school and all. But I knew I was just scratching the surface. The next week, we went to Florida, and I had another 100-yard game and a touchdown. Then the last game of the season was Ole Miss — 14 catches, 308 yards and 3 touchdowns. It was a rain game. I never did like trying to catch a slippery ball in the rain. But I was just having fun. I swear there were moments I felt like I was just a little kid in my school clothes, in the backyard playing. Back when I’d be leaping in the air for balls under the street lights, making like I was Jarvis or OBJ.

By October of my sophomore year, I was already on pace to win a Biletnikoff. Going into Game 6, I had something like 30 catches, more than 400 yards, and 9 touchdowns. I was the best receiver in college football, until that game. Midway through the 4th quarter, I tried to make a sideline toe-tap, but my foot was flat on the ground while I was leaning forward, and I snapped the whole front bone in my right ankle. Instantly, it was like, Damn, my first real injury.

After surgery, it was like everything was pissing me off. Riding around on a scooter was frustrating. I couldn’t drive my car. Eventually, I got so fed up trying to adjust to this new life I just said, fuck it, and started walking around with the boot on, which only made things worse. I wasn’t healing right, so in February, I flew to Green Bay to see Dr. Anderson. He’s one of the top ankle specialists in the country. I had another surgery and did everything the right way this time. But I was still struggling. I wasn’t really able to sleep the way I wanted to. I was in a lot of pain, so they had me taking pills. And a lot comes with that mentally, trying to figure out life without football. I had more free time than I knew what to do with. It’s like a thick cloud was just hanging over my head, keeping me in a funk. I was mad all the time, losing my patience with people. I was doing anything to escape. I started doing drugs. Then I think I sank into a depression.

So how do you escape when none of the escape routes are working?

How do you get that feeling back of competing?

You start gambling.

That’s how I ended up going down a dark road. That’s how I ended up pacing around my apartment at 3 o’clock in the morning, betting on whatever I could bet on at that time of night. I don’t even know….. It honestly didn’t matter. You’re just caught in the cycle.

That’s how I damn near ruined my life.

I wish I could tell you I came to my senses on my own.…. But honestly, only two things saved me. One was getting healthy enough to play football again. The other was becoming a father, as a junior in college. Nothing wakes you up faster than that. I just looked at myself in the mirror one day and realized, Bruh, the way you living ain’t healthy. And if I’m being honest, I think there was probably a little bit of shame to that realization, too. Growing up, my dad was a real hard-working dude, doing offshore, blue collar work — getting up at 5 or 6 a.m. I didn’t really come from a rich household, but anything we wanted, my parents made it happen. And I wanted to be that for my family.

Having a kid coming into the world, I think that’s when I started taking my mental health more seriously, and things got better for me. After my junior year, because of everything I went through, I still wasn’t 100% physically. But by the grace of God, I made it to the NFL. By the grace of God, New England saw potential in me.

When I was a freshman, I had dreams of hearing my name called in the first round. I had dreams of being THAT GUY. But let me tell you something — it don’t matter what round you hear your name called. Fourth, fifth, sixth….. For that moment, you HIM. Everything you ever dreamed of, it’s happening.

My rookie year had a lot of ups and downs, though. It didn’t exactly pan out the way it was supposed to. Being real, I think New England is just a tough spot to land for a rookie. A lot of vets will say it, too. There’s history here, and that comes with big expectations. You feel like your game gotta be flawless damn near, playing for Bill Belichick. It could be a little nerve-wracking at times. He wasn’t going for no bullshit — when we in between them white lines, it’s just straight football. And what he says goes. At first, I didn’t understand him, but I think as time went on, I actually did. It’s tough love. He could be harsh at times, but I always thought it was for a good reason.

And I owe the Patriots organization everything, because after the season ended, my past came back on me. I had to deal with the gambling stuff resurfacing. I got arrested for gambling underage while I was at LSU, and before the charges got dismissed, they cuffed me and everything. Look, I take full responsibility for my own actions, but I won’t lie, it felt like they were making an example out of me. That part didn’t feel good, just knowing how bad I had been struggling. Especially thinking about how this type of thing is happening on campuses all over, and other kids are probably struggling, too. But I did what I did, so I took it on the chin.

How many of those 32 teams would’ve just walked away at that point? Especially from a sixth-round pick. But the organization knew my heart, and they stuck by me.

So if I have a message for the football world, I guess it’s this: Don’t give up on these kids, man. I know there’s more stories like mine out there. Betting is just gonna keep getting bigger and bigger. Gambling is what it is. I’m not here to preach. It’s going to exist. But people who are in a dark place, they’re gonna use it to escape. Athletes, especially. I’m telling you, because I lived it.

Now, I look at where I am. Because the Pats trusted me to grow, I’m in my third year, just helping this team get back to its winning ways. Man, we about to have a playoff game in Foxborough for the first time in 6 years. Last time that happened, I was still in high school!!!

And yeah, I guess that’s pretty much why I wanted to sit down and really tell y’all my story. It’s the best way I can explain what this season has meant to me. I finally feel like I got my life together. Like I’m really ME. Like I know what this all means.

What it means, knowing that we got No. 10. We got a QB in Drake who’s gonna make a play regardless. He’s the leader of our team, and we believe in him fully, and everything that he can do. If you a receiver, you love him. Every dog want the bone, as they say. We all want 10 targets a game, but there are five eligible receivers, and only one ball. One thing about Drake, he doesn’t force-feed the ball to one dude — he’s not looking for WR1. He’s getting the ball to any and everybody.

What it means, knowing that we got a coaching staff we wanna play for. The vibes in the building feel different this year — they feel amazing, actually. They the real minds behind the culture we’re building. A culture where we lost Week 3 versus the Steelers and went on to win 10 straight, you feel me? I think a lot of people turn on the TV, see the games, talk about the connections, the throws, the time in the pocket, things like that. But one big thing I would say a lot of people overlook is the effort we put in, day-in, day-out, in order for that to happen on Sunday. It’s not magic. It’s practice and effort. And when you practice the way we do, when you’re between the white lines, it’s not just straight football — it’s fun. I remember against Buffalo, in Week 15, Drake ran the ball in, faked like he was about to dunk it, then handed it to an O-lineman, who spiked it. Hahah. In a moment like that, we feel like we little kids again in the backyard, just playing the game we love. I remember running back to the sideline and telling my receivers coach, Todd Downing, “Man, it just feels so damn good to be out here celebrating with your teammates.” Everybody don’t get to do it.

And what it means knowing that after everything I’ve been through, I still love to line up and play football. Now that y’all stuck with me through my story, I’m gonna tell you something I never told nobody except my family. My rookie year, I almost walked away from the game. Forreal. After my last year at LSU, I went straight into draft training, then to the combine, then OTAs….. There was never really a break for over a year straight, I would say. And that was hard. I was just so tired physically, mentally, emotionally, everything. One day during training camp, we were sitting in a meeting, and I just got up and left. I walked straight out the building. I told our GM that I was done with football. I didn’t want to play anymore. Of course, he called me and tried to convince me to re-think it. Then my agent called me. And I sat in my car and thought about it deep.

I thought about whether or not I could live without it, whether I could walk away from the game and never look back. I’m a grown man, but I love football like a kid. I love it the same way I did when I was five. That part hasn’t changed, and never will. I was just in a bad spot.

You know the craziest part? What really pulled me back was when I thought about Coach Mickey’s office at LSU, and that quote he had from Ja’marr on his desk.

PLAYING WITH CONFIDENCE COMES FROM THE HEART.

I listened to what my heart was telling me. One of the worst things in life to live in is regret. So I could either drive away from the facility, away from the stress, away from the frustration — away from my destiny. Or I could get out of the car.

And yeah, thank God I got my ass out the car.

I’m not one to usually do this much talking, and now, I’ve said a whole lot. So I’ll just wrap this up here and leave y’all with this: The next time you see a headline about a gambling story, and somebody going down for it….. Just remember that there’s a person behind that headline. When you ask yourself, “How could they do something like that? How could they risk it all? What were they thinking?”

The sad part is, they weren’t thinking. They were going through something. Don’t give up on them.

Maybe they just need some help.

—KB

https://www.theplayerstribune.com/kayshon-boutte-new-england-patriots-nfl-football